I have been seething in anger and despair and heartbreak for the better part of a week now.
Hence, no communication.
All caused by myself and my experience and relationship to distance learning and my 7-year young one.
I have cried more in the last week than I have in a long time.
I would lie to say it’s cathartic.
Because after a good cry, I am still sad to the bone.
And I couldn’t figure out why.
Until this morning,
when it all came nicely together.
It started last night when I picked up my aunt to bring her to dinner.
On the way home, I spewed anger and frustration and hatred over my situation.
Keep in mind, this is the second time in less than a week she has seen me this way and usually I am miss optimistic, rainbows and sunshine.
After dinner, my aunt who is 83 told me a Buddhist story about how one perpetuates what they bring into their reality.
Seething in anger and being sarcastic I retorted, “Very well, from now on all I will talk about is rainbows and sprinkles.”
She smiled at me and said gently, “That isn’t the answer either.”
And in my heart, I knew it.
I knew she was right.
I just didn’t and couldn’t see a different way.
As she walked out the door, she said to me, “Don’t let what I said bother you.”
I smiled feebly and gave her a hug.
I went to bed no less angry, frustrated, or sad.
Yet, I woke up at 4 am with a lot on my mind.
So I meditated and ran through my gratitude list.
Then at 5 am, I dialed into the 5 AM Call hosted by Vikram Doel.
Vikram happens to be reading Napoleon Hill’s Outwitting the Devil.
The first thing he said is that, basically, what you say is crucial.
It either creates a future of success or a future of failure in the other person’s mind depending on what you say.
Hm. I thought to myself.
I just heard this message.
Last night as a matter of fact,
From my dear sweet aunt and the Buddhist philosophy.
I let that sink in.
And then Vikram continued on about Napoleon’s beliefs about our public education failing our kids.
Basically he talks about how public school is teaching kids the wrong things and that by the first and second grade we have beaten the freedom of expression out of our kids simply to adhere to inane societal laws.
Now this really struck a chord with me.
Because whether I meant to or not, I feel like I have taken on that job.
And I resent it more than I can express without swearing.
Not only because I feel like I am doing it
Because it is happening at all.
I am the one finding myself figuratively and emotionally beating this out of my child and into submission – and for what?
Because being fully expressed as a human being is wrong?
Because he can’t sit in a chair?
Because he has the wiggles?
Because his full being wants to be doing something else?
Because we aren’t supposed to learn socially isolated in front of a computer screen?
This is insane.
So the buck stops here.
I will approach his schooling differently today.
And I will talk about it differently.
And, when it’s a decent hour I will call my aunt and thank her.
I get it.
Let my kid be a kid.
Figure this out.
And more importantly, create a future with my thinking that I want to live into – that leaves others with a sense of success, and not what I have been doing which has been setting up failure.
Where have you been setting up success or failure in the minds of others?
May you walk in beauty.